I’m sure you’ve heard this statement before: You can only love another person when you truly love yourself first. But why is there so much fuss about it? And what does it mean? (I’ve got you covered!)
Let’s start with what does it mean to be insecure in a relationship?
Do any of the following statements sound familiar to you?
- my nose is too big
- my height is very short
- I’m not pretty enough
- I’m not earning enough
- I’m not cool like your friends
- I’m not sure if I’m good in bed.
- my partner earns more than me
- I’m not good at texting
- My partner is too hot for me
- I’m not as good as your ex
Take the hint? And the list goes on…
In simple words,
Insecurity in the relationship means that you are not sure that the other person will choose you for who you are and therefore you are afraid that they will leave.
Now, let’s tackle the second part: why is insecurity such a big problem?
It makes you behave like a mad detective with a magnifying glass on your partner’s every move; you need constant reassurance of their love and availability, and if that doesn’t happen, you overthink all the possible ways they are either deceiving you or cheating on you.
You become a sarcastic neighborhood aunt, politely passing scolding comments whenever you get the chance.
You behave like a dog that is too dependent on its handler and would be extremely jealous if someone approached your master!
Only common sense will tell you why these behaviors are problematic. If not, I’ll tell you. YOU ARE BEING TOXIC TO THE OTHER PERSON. And sooner or later, they will tire of you.
You will have to reduce your dependence on the other person and make sure that it is enough and that even if the relationship ends, there are many other good partners out there. (If you don’t think this is true, you haven’t explored it far enough. It’s a fact!)
Learn to differentiate: (HARD WORK ALERT!)
You will have to be aware of your thoughts because this step requires you to assess if your partner is not treating you well or if you are simply analyzing too much. It’s very difficult to do this alone at first, so I recommend talking to a therapist. But if that’s not possible for you, then
pick up books and start reading about insecure behavior in relationships,
identify if you have any
learn strategies to deal with them
Love and patience are the keys:
It cannot be improved in a single day. It takes time, correct information, and constant effort. So hang in there, surround yourself immensely with books, videos, and podcasts that help you learn new patterns of thought and behavior, and remove anything toxic that gets in the way of your progress. Don’t kill yourself for making mistakes, offer yourself some love, and know that growth requires patience.
And finally, the GOLDEN WORDS:
Instead of worrying about whether the other person likes you, focus on whether you like them. Are you despised for your appearance? Do they make fun of you? Do you feel disrespected around him? If so, run away dear. They don’t deserve you.
And that’s why the ancient wisdom still holds true: you need to love and accept yourself before you can love another person!